Halfway Point

We're one day out from the big ultrasound. My phone rang a couple of times on the way to work this morning with friends checking in, trying to remember if my appointment was today or tomorrow. My IM was flashing as soon as my computer booted up. Even the nice lady in the checkout line at our company cafeteria was inquiring (which makes me believe that the dress I'm wearing makes me look heavier than normal). The answer is always the same. "Yes, I'm very excited about tomorrow. No, I have no idea what it is. No, I really don't care either way."

My friend/co-worker called me cold the other day. He did it in the nicest way possible. He basically said that regardless of what happens, I pretty much show no emotion. I make it hard for outsiders to know what's going on in my head. I get what he's saying. I'm not one of those girls that cried on my wedding day, or the day the I found out I was pregnant. I don't generally cry at funerals either (although I bawled at David Ladd's grandmother's funeral and I'd never even met her). It takes a lot to get me overly excited, although a good ice cream sundae seems to work. I think perhaps my years in television killed off a little bit of the emotional side of me.

I keep a journal (badly) in which I write a letter to Baby Harvill to update s/he on what's new... where we've traveled... who we've seen...what I'm thinking and feeling. One of my co-workers, Carmen, told me that she did the same when she was pregnant with her son and even now, she updates his journal every year by writing him a letter on his birthday. I liked the idea and since I've always been a journal keeper (thanks Dad for throwing them all away when you moved... but I'm not bitter) I've decided to share with you my entry for today:

Dear Baby Rockstar Harvill,

Well, we've passed the halfway mark. According to my books, you're about 10 inches long and you weigh about 9 ounces. For my own edification, I am forcing myself to believe that you actually weigh 15 pounds, hence my 20 pound weight-gain (yes mom, I'll eat a salad today).

This truly is a learning experience for me. Here are some of the things you have taught me in the last 20 weeks:

1. You do not like sushi, no matter how many different rolls I try.
2. I can actually keep my eyes open while throwing up (although I don't recommend it).
3. I am so hormonal that even re-runs of Beverly Hills 90210 make me cry (don't even get me started on the episode when Donna and David finally get married).
4. It is soothing to rub my belly. I like the constant reminder that you are in there.
5. You have made me a happier and calmer individual and since I found out I was pregnant I have tried harder to find the silver lining in any seemingly dark situation (except when driving... I'm sure you will have road rage just like me and your father).
6. No matter how many people tell me that everything will be fine, I am still totally and completely petrified. When you have children, I will tell you that everything will be fine and I will know that you will be completely petrified regardless.
7. It is okay to lie awake at night wondering if I will be a good mother.

I haven't asked you for much during this pregnancy. Okay, there were a couple of times when I think I begged you to let me keep my dinner down, but you didn't really listen then. This time, its for real. Please let everything be okay at our doctor's appointment tomorrow. I honestly don't care if you have boy parts or girls parts. I only care that you are healthy and growing. Oh, and behave for the ultrasound tech. I want her to think that I've got everything under control in there.

Thanks and we'll see you tomorrow.

All my love,

Mom